Relating to my body
Sometime around the age of 12 things changed.
Although I don’t recall the exact moment or incident that completely rearranged the relationship with my body – I just know my embodied experience changed.
I went from being a young girl running around in a swimsuit, to being hyper-focused on what I looked like to others. One day I was using my body as a vehicle of joy & adventure, the next I was shaming my body for simply existing.
Nothing traumatic happened to me individually to alter the relationship with my body. No, the trauma I experienced was the collective trauma that all young humans who are socialized as girls experience. The trauma of living in a dominator culture* that sexualizes girls & uses that same youthful sex to sell all the things. The trauma of seeing the same body type, hair texture, & skin color everywhere & idealized as perfection – which growing up in the 80’s & 90’s was white, tall, thin, able-bodied, blonde, straight hair, small nose, & big boobs.
Throughout the years I’ve explored all different types of ways to develop more love for my body. Yet, the feelings of body shame still creep back in.
Shouldn’t there be something I can do to make this all go away?
That question right there shines light onto what’s really going on. I’ve been trying to “fix” this problem as if it’s my fault that I feel like my body is wrong, broken, & not normal.
FUCK THAT.
It’s NOT my fault (& it’s not yours either) that I have a f’d up relationship with my body. Growing up in a dominator culture, I was trained to believe that my body was wrong:
Get that nose of your dreams!
Buy the Wonder Bra for the boobs of your dreams!
Follow this diet to get the body of your dreams!
Shave your leg hair & be as sexy as your dreams!
Put in that tampon & goooooooooo!
Now, rather than go into a shame spiral when I criticize my body, I find myself getting PISSED.
How dare the Mad Men of the world create ads that get into our unconscious mind! How dare the white supremacist cis heteronormative patriarchy define what is beautiful & sexy! How dare diet culture for even existing! ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!
At some point I usually slow down & breathe.
Then I put on my questioner hat & get curious:
Who benefits from me feeling this way?
How did I learn to feel this way?
How do I want to feel?
How can I be easy on myself, in this moment?
When I name what’s actually going on – the thing behind the thing – I can then cultivate the relationship I desire with my body.
If I don’t name the impact that capitalism, diet culture, ageism, ableism, & white supremacy have on the relationship with my body, then I am just trying to grow new fruits on rotten roots.
When I dig out & name the root (shitty dominator culture), I can then actively dismantle these internalized roots & grow the fruits that I desire (a magickal relationship with my body).
What about you?
* Dominator Culture was first popularized by Riane Eisler. Read this wiki to get an overview: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominator_culture
Roots? Fruits? Wondering what in the hell I’m talking about? Read what I wrote in 2019 to get caught up: meghanbursiek.com/blog/how-does-your-garden-grow
